


Guilt

by lovekernel



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Gen, Minor Character Death, not that violent but so much blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 07:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15189449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovekernel/pseuds/lovekernel
Summary: Eddie is stabbed by a patient and Bea tries to save him. When he dies, Alicia comforts Bea while still feeling relief for his death.





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt requested by anonymous on Tumblr!  
> This happens around present events, and Bea does not know about Alicia's assault. Alicia's assault isn't directly referenced. And my anatomical knowledge is sketchy at best so for the sake of storytelling don't take the medicine in this too seriously! Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!

Alicia walked up to the entrance of the ED at the start of her shift, noticing the unusual number of police standing outside. She looked around as she walked through reception, looking for any evidence of what had happened to warrant police presence at the hospital. There was no one at the front desk at that moment, and just a few people on the seats, so she kept going through to cubicles, which is when Alicia saw the yellow tape across the doors of Resus 2. Mrs. Beauchamp stood by the counter, speaking sternly to one of several policemen stationed outside the doors. Though it was obvious that patients had been moved from the area, most of the cubicles had their curtains pulled all around. Ethan stepped out from behind one of those curtains, and on spotting Alicia he walked over to her, his face drawn into an anxious frown.

“What’s happened here?” Alicia asked him, keeping her tone calm even though she was yet to see any of her other co-workers and Ethan’s expression was telling her that something awful had occurred.

“Alicia…” Ethan began, taking her arm and leading her back to reception.

Alicia shrugged him off and turned so they were face to face. “Just tell me what happened. Is everyone okay?”

“Alicia, you may want to sit down…” Ethan started again.

“Ethan,” Alicia said firmly, crossing her arms. “What happened?”

“Okay,” Ethan said. “We had a patient earlier, he came in with a head wound. He was perfectly calm when he came in but his behaviour became erratic soon after. He was very aggressive and he started acting out. Eddie and Bea were treating him on their own in Resus.”

Alicia felt a dark, sick feeling rise into her chest and she found herself looking desperately around the ED for a flash of red hair while Ethan continued speaking.

“The patient had a knife on him...he stabbed Eddie in the chest.”

“Oh my god,” Alicia whispered, still searching for Bea but only seeing police around her.

“Bea called for help and we managed to restrain the patient,” Ethan went on, speaking slowly to make sure Alicia understood what he was saying. “While we were doing that, Bea worked on Eddie. Alicia, the knife sliced right through his aorta. He had minutes, if not seconds before he bled out and there was nothing anyone could do. Bea tried her best but by the time help arrived-”

“Where is she?” Alicia asked.

Ethan looked confused. “Um, she’s upstairs, getting cleaned up, I think.”

Alicia turned on her heel and walked back to reception and towards the stairs. Ethan followed.

"But Alicia” he said, catching up to her quick pace, “you have to understand, Eddie’s-”

“Dead!” Alicia stopped at the foot of the stairs and turned to face him. “Yes, I know Ethan. I need to find Bea now.” She turned and continued on her way.

“Alicia, stop. Whatever you’re feeling, you’re not to blame her for what happened. She did everything she could,” he said. “She kept trying to resuscitate, Dylan had to pull her off of him.”

Alicia stopped again at the the top of the stairs. That image made her chest ache. She shook her head and looked Ethan in the eyes. “Of course she did. She’s a good doctor. I need to make sure that she’s okay.”

She kept walking, leaving him behind.

 

When Alicia got to the changing room, she opened the door slowly, listening for any movement inside and hoping that Bea was still there. As she put her head around the door she heard Rash’s voice speaking softly, “Bea, talk to me...it wasn’t your fault… you did everything right.”

Alicia came inside to find Rash kneeling on the floor in front of Bea, who was sitting on a bench between the lockers, still wearing her scrubs, staring down at her hands. Rash looked up and gave Alicia a small smile. Alicia returned it.

“I’ve got this, Rash,” she said. “I’ll help Bea get cleaned up.”

Rash nodded and stood up slowly. He walked to the door but stopped beside Alicia and looked back at Bea who remained motionless.

“She spoke to the police but she has to give a proper statement. I think Mrs. Beauchamp’s trying to get them to wait until tomorrow though.” Rash said.

Grief and shock were in every inch of his face, but at that second he just looked worried.

“Can you tell her to call me when she’s feeling up to it?” he whispered.

“‘Course I will,” Alicia replied.

“Thanks,” he said. He touched Alicia’s shoulder. “I’m really, really sorry about Eddie,” he said sincerely.

Alicia didn’t know what to say to that. Rash, and Ethan too, obviously thought she should be upset for this huge loss of a doctor she previously mentored, who everyone thought she had a relationship with, but when Alicia thought of Eddie, dead and cold, she only felt relief.

Rash didn’t know what Eddie did, what he was. To Rash, Eddie was just his friend and coworker, they got on well, and he was feeling the effects of his death. So Alicia just nodded, without meeting his eyes, and Rash left the room.

Once the door closed, Alicia walked over to Bea slowly and sat down quietly beside her, not touching her, but close enough that she would feel her presence. Alicia didn’t know how long she had been sitting there. Long enough for the police to secure the area, and for patients to be moved, and the ED to calm down as much as it had when Alicia came in. An hour at least, probably longer.

Alicia looked at Bea’s face and found it totally blank, just staring down at her hands still. Alicia followed her gaze. Bea’s hands were coloured red and yellow up to her wrists with Eddie’s blood, dark maroon where it dried in the cracks of her knuckles and the edges of her fingernails. They lay rested on her knees, where her scrubs were stained dark brown from where she knelt next to Eddie on the floor.

The more Alicia looked, the more blood she saw. Bea was just covered in it, flecks all up her arms, splattered on her shoes, soaked into her shirt. She could even see it in her hair, in dark strands of her fringe, dried and stuck together, and more on her forehead.

Alicia didn’t say anything. She listened to Bea’s breathing and waited for her to break the silence.

A few minutes had passed when Bea opened her mouth and took in a deep, ragged breath.

She breathed out, slowly, and her eyes finally broke away from her hands, her sight falling on the wall in front of her instead.

“So you heard what happened then,” Bea said. Her voice sounded raw, like her throat was dry.

“Ethan told me some of it,” Alicia said gently. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

Bea was silent for a minute. Alicia waited.

“I wasn’t even supposed to be in the room,” said Bea suddenly. She swallowed. “Dr. Hardy told me to help Eddie because the patient was a bit antsy. I got in there and thought he could have handled him by himself.”

Alicia put her hand on Bea’s back and rubbed little circles, listening to every word.

“I didn’t even see the knife until the patient had already pulled it out. There was so much blood. And then Eddie was on the ground. He went down really quickly.” Bea sounded strained, trying to hold her feelings back and just get the words out.

“And I guess I must’ve screamed because Ethan and Jacob came and held the patient down.”

Bea let out a sob and Alicia put her arm around her shoulders, pulling Bea close.

“I- I tried to save Eddie,” Bea said through stuttered breaths. “By the time I got to him he was unconscious. There was blood all over his clothes… and on the floor. I knelt down and put pressure on the wound… but it- it barely did anything. Blood just kept- kept pumping out under my hands. I felt for a pulse and got nothing. I tried compressions and- and... I don’t know how long I was on the floor with him but it felt like hours. Dr. Keogh came and he kept telling me to stop but I just couldn’t. I can’t be responsible for someone’s death.”

“You’re not responsible.” Alicia had to stop her there. “No one could have saved him.”

Bea didn’t say anything. She put a hand up to wipe her eyes, but on seeing her stained skin again she used her her arm instead and put her hands back down on her lap.

Alicia shook her head, straightened up and pulled her hand away from Bea’s shoulders. She kneeled on the ground in front of her and took her hands in her own. “Bea, look at me.”

Bea took a deep breath in and looked up from her knees to Alicia’s eyes.

“Bea, listen,” Alicia said. “Short of him already being in theatre, there was nothing anyone could have done, and even then his chances would have been very slim.”

“That’s what Dr. Keogh said, but-”

“No, Bea. No buts. He was gone the second the knife went in. Where he was stabbed, he had less than a few minutes before he bled out. There was no time to intervene.”

Bea started to sob again. “I was stupid to think we were safe.” Her voice was getting higher. “I let my guard down. I thought that patient was no threat. I thought Ethan and Eddie were overreacting to someone who was just a bit grumpy. If I’d assessed the situation better maybe-”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Alicia said. “You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. That patient could have been perfectly calm before he hurt someone. He could have been aggressive but no real threat. You can’t read minds and you can’t predict the future. Everything can change in a split second.”

Bea was listening but she had no response. It was quiet again for a few minutes, until Bea spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Alicia. I know you and Eddie had a thing, I mean, you were his mentor. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.”

Alicia stared at the broken woman in front of her, processing her words. If Bea knew…

“Let’s just... take care of you right now. You should take a shower. You’ll feel much better after.”

Bea looked surprised by her reply, but she nodded, and Alicia gave her a little smile.

“And then we’ll go home, even if I have to fight a policeman to get you out of here.”

Bea smiled weakly and bent down to untie her shoes.

Alicia got up off the floor and left Bea for a moment to find a towel. She came back and Bea was standing up, looking a bit unsteady on her feet. She handed over the towel. “You going to be okay on your own?”

“Yeah,” Bea nodded. “Yes, I think I’m capable of showering by myself," she said with a sarcastic edge, the corners of her lips turned upwards.

Alicia kept her smile to herself but she was glad to see some of the old Bea coming through for the first time since she entered the changing room.

“Okay,” Alicia said, “I’m right here if you need anything.”

While Bea was in the shower, Alicia looked for a change of clothes and found Bea’s work bag with the crab on it on the floor near where they were sitting. Bea must have got it from her locker herself because it had blood on the handles. Alicia took Bea’s things out and brought the bag to the sink, and she started to clean the blood off with a damp paper towel.

She felt so guilty for her relief over Eddie’s death, not just because it was a tragedy she wasn’t sure how she should feel about yet, but because of how it was affecting Bea. Her and Eddie were not close, Bea actually thought he was an entitled asshole, but she worked with him everyday. She was going to feel his absence every day and be reminded of his death every time. And his death was horrific. Bea couldn’t have said everything she was feeling, but Alicia knew just from Bea’s face that there was much more going on in her head.

Alicia dried off the bag and put Bea’s stuff back in, leaving her clothes on the bench. She expected Bea to take her time in the shower, so she stood leaned back against a locker and broke down her thoughts.

Eddie was gone. Alicia never had to see him at work again. She never had to be afraid of waking up with him in her bed ever again. Eddie was gone, and he was never coming back.

Alicia couldn’t help smiling at the thought. She let out a big breath, and felt as if all her worries from the past few weeks came with it and dissipated in the air. She was free from fear.

Alicia looked up to the ceiling and closed her eyes, relaxed. She opened them when she heard the shower switch off, and a minute later Bea appeared in the changing room with wet hair and a towel wrapped around her, clean of blood and looking much more like herself.

“Hey,” Alicia said. “Feeling a bit better?”

Bea nodded and smiled. “Definitely.”

“Good,” Alicia replied. “I’ll just… give you a minute.” She gave Bea some privacy to get dressed and went to one of the sinks. Alicia looked at her reflection in the mirror. She even looked better to herself than she had in weeks.

Alicia came back to Bea when she was dressed, sitting on the bench and tying her shoes.

“Ready to go?” Bea asked as she stood up.

“Hey, come here,” Alicia said, walking up to Bea. She wrapped her arms around Bea and held her close. Bea returned the embrace. Alicia could feel Bea’s heartbeat against her own chest and it suddenly occurred to her that it could just as easily have been Bea in Eddie’s place. She hugged Bea tighter. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she whispered.

They let go and Bea stepped back. She pushed her damp fringe off her face and sighed. “I just wish today had been different.”

Alicia nodded. “I know.”

She put her arm around Bea’s shoulders and pulled them towards the door. “Let’s go home.”


End file.
